sunhands: (( random ) it's time to save the world)
[personal profile] sunhands
I always thought there was something wrong with me, sexually. That, because I wasn't having sex or wasn't interested in the thought of having sex that I wasn't doing something right by me. I've never had a boyfriend. I had boys I hung around with for a few days, until they found someone prettier, someone who paid better attention to them. Society told me that I had to identify, sexually, as either heterosexual or homosexual. There was no in between. The in between didn't exist. I guess I just accepted this, because for years I have identified as heterosexual. All the forms I've ever filled out, everywhere, say that I, Becky Stiles, am heterosexual. Well, I'm not. I've been dealing with a sexual identity crisis for nearly ten years now.

It started when I got accepted to college. It started when I began roleplaying again and met/chatted with this girl who, now that I think about it, I honestly fell in love with. It wasn't anything sexual, it was just honest, romantic feelings for her. I'm still close to her to this very day, and we still talk often, and honestly? I love her. I fell in love with her outright, and I've very vaguely dropped hints, and I think she may have realized. It was at this point in my life where I said to myself, "Am I bisexual?" But then again, bisexual implies romantic or sexual behavior/attraction. That implies that I had sexual feelings for her or for any other girl (or guy), but I haven't, not explicitly. Not anything I would physically want to act on. It was just simple, romantic feelings; deeply so. For years I struggled with this. I even talked to close friends about it, telling them I might in fact be bisexual. But that still didn't fit with how I felt about others. I still found myself attracted to both men and women, and had romantic feelings for both. This isn't to say I've never experienced sexual attraction, because I have. For men, mostly, but also for women. I just never have had the urge to act on those feelings. Sex means nothing to me, personally, and I've never entertained the idea or even the thought of myself having sex with anyone.

So I struggled more. I have romantic feelings for people with no desire at all to have sex. It isn't that I struggled with a label, but more that I wanted to know if there was, in fact, an in between. And there is, it does exist. Through all this struggling I looked back on all the years I've been attracted to people. I realized that it wasn't that I didn't want to be with someone, I just didn't want to be with them sexually. Somehow society taught me that I wasn't worth someone's love or attention unless sex was on the table as well. This is what I thought of my own self-worth: that nobody wanted me unless it was about sex. And then, I got depressed. Telling myself that no one would ever want me because I didn't care about sex. That I would rather just be with someone, love someone, and have them love me back. I resigned myself to being a spinster, which, when I actually looked up the proper definition, isn't me at all.

Then I started reading up on the in between, found friends who identified as asexual, learning more and more about it because I didn't honestly know much, so again, I asked myself, "Am I asexual?" I've had sexual attraction and feelings for people, I just don't feel or want to act on them. No, I don't think I'm asexual, but is there still an in between? So I read up on demisexuality, where a person does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong, emotional connection. Close enough but it still did not connect with me. The struggle is still there, but I found myself getting closer and closer to the in between.

And then the lightbulb popped on: gray-A. A person who identifies in the gray area between asexuality and sexuality. I told myself, yes, I am capable of experiencing sexual attraction, but not with everyone, and it doesn't always need to be a strong, emotional connection. And then I read about different romantic orientations, because society seems to only view feelings as sexual, not romantic. How can someone possibly be attracted to anyone romantically and not want to have sex with them? Well that's me: I'm biromantic. I'm romantically attracted to both genders.

Gray-A biromantic.

I cried. I'm 31 years old. It took nearly ten years, and I struggled with an identity that existed but I didn't know it did. It feels like I found that missing piece of myself that I thought would never be found. I don't need to have sex to have self-worth or for someone to want me, to love me. I masturbate regularly. I'm capable of finding pleasure. I can watch porn, write porn, and talk about porn 24/7, but do I need to have sex to feel like I'm a normal human being? No, I don't. Sex isn't just penetrative. Sex has different layers and means something different to everyone.

I'm normal, and I'm gray-A biromantic.

Date: 2014-09-07 02:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I love you a lot. You are an amazing and wonderful and brave person for sharing this. ♥

Date: 2014-09-08 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I love you so much. ♥

Date: 2014-09-08 12:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Loves you no matter what but I'm glad you are feeling more balanced and happy with yourself now. (That sounds so lame, but basically I am really happy for you.)

Date: 2014-09-08 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I feel so much better about myself to be honest. It felt invigorating to get all this out, to share it with my little world here.

Date: 2014-09-08 03:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

The world is wretched is uncountable ways, but one thing our times are getting right is providing knowledge and support in pretty much every area where human thought exists. I am so happy on your behalf that you've found an identity that fits so well!

Although to our times' discredit again, sexual identities are so prevalent and romantic identities so neglected, sometimes it gives me pause because I just don't understand that. Like, I don't really believe in binaries (even though on the Kinsey scale I'm probably only 0.5-1.0 LOL) but I should certainly HOPE that if the greatest love of my life came along, I wouldn't let something as arbitrary* as gender identity get in the way. If that makes me pan-romantic, awesome!

*i mean that as in "randomly assigned by the fates", NOT trivial in any way

Date: 2014-09-08 10:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Seeking out that knowledge and meeting people who gave me source material, it helped so much. Reading it all and still learning and educating myself has been an experience. This whole revelation has been an experience. AND YES! The way society has ingrained in nearly everyone that your sexual identity is all that matters and that romantic ones don't make sense or don't exist is just gross and NOT educating anyone further about this at all. I'm 99% sure if I talked about this with any coworkers they'd all say the same thing, "I didn't know that was even a thing." AND THAT'S SAD TO ME.


Date: 2014-09-08 11:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I am so happy you found your identity! so happy for you!! It's definitely a long process, and I'm still going through it, but it's so worth it to finally find where you belong. Not that labels are a necessity, but they can help.

Date: 2014-09-08 10:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

And you're right, labels aren't a necessity at all, it just feels good knowing that you aren't alone. That there are others out there who are, you know, asexual, demisexual, pansexual etc etc etc. And that there ARE romantic identities that don't hinge on sex. It feels good knowing that I actually have an identity.

Date: 2014-09-08 02:50 pm (UTC)
impalalove: (ouat: neal: subway)
From: [personal profile] impalalove
You're awesome for sharing this, and I'm glad you're feeling much more balanced with yourself. Finding that identity that's always eluded you is always satisfactory to find. Like [ profile] gabsy said -- not that they're necessary, but sometimes it can help.
Edited Date: 2014-09-08 02:51 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-09-08 10:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I had to write it out first, I don't know why. It felt good writing all this out; it took 7 pages, front and back. I haven't told my Mom about this so I'm thinking I might give her the papers. I just need to her to know that I'm okay, that I'm fine, that I have an identity.

Date: 2014-09-08 04:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i love you and i'm glad for you, happy that you're feeling much better about yourself and proud of you for sharing this ♥

Date: 2014-09-08 10:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I feel so much better, like you wouldn't believe. Thank you so much for your love. ♥

Date: 2014-09-10 06:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
thanks for trusting us with this, but above all, thank you for being you, bk! i'm really, truly happy for you. ♥

Date: 2014-09-13 08:01 pm (UTC)
ext_16618: ([Fr] Contemplate.)
From: [identity profile]
i am glad i randomly clicked on my friends page bookmark today because it means i get to see this. i'm so happy you've finally found your identity and that big missing piece is filled. i love you bk! ♥

Date: 2014-09-20 04:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The most important thing in the world is being happy with who you are, and so this makes me happy because you're wonderful and should be happy with everything about yourself. Figuring that out can be so simple and easy for some, and more challenging and complicated for others, and the fact that you dug deep and got to the root of something that was confusing you is huge. I've never heard of being biromantic, but in reading your description, it makes a ton of sense and is yet another example of how we as humans are so multifaceted and can't all be put into simple categories. I hope coming to a conclusion about your sexuality only leads to more contentment about who you are and what you can be. <333

Date: 2015-02-16 03:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I have had this post sitting in my "to reply" bookmarks folder for way, way too long, so I'll make this short and sweet. But I just wanted to say: I am, and have been, so so so so so fucking happy for you. You deserve this, to feel comfortable in your own skin. Because you, my dear, are the best, and you only deserve the best. ♥ x one billionty
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