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Sep. 7th, 2014 12:41 amI always thought there was something wrong with me, sexually. That, because I wasn't having sex or wasn't interested in the thought of having sex that I wasn't doing something right by me. I've never had a boyfriend. I had boys I hung around with for a few days, until they found someone prettier, someone who paid better attention to them. Society told me that I had to identify, sexually, as either heterosexual or homosexual. There was no in between. The in between didn't exist. I guess I just accepted this, because for years I have identified as heterosexual. All the forms I've ever filled out, everywhere, say that I, Becky Stiles, am heterosexual. Well, I'm not. I've been dealing with a sexual identity crisis for nearly ten years now.
It started when I got accepted to college. It started when I began roleplaying again and met/chatted with this girl who, now that I think about it, I honestly fell in love with. It wasn't anything sexual, it was just honest, romantic feelings for her. I'm still close to her to this very day, and we still talk often, and honestly? I love her. I fell in love with her outright, and I've very vaguely dropped hints, and I think she may have realized. It was at this point in my life where I said to myself, "Am I bisexual?" But then again, bisexual implies romantic or sexual behavior/attraction. That implies that I had sexual feelings for her or for any other girl (or guy), but I haven't, not explicitly. Not anything I would physically want to act on. It was just simple, romantic feelings; deeply so. For years I struggled with this. I even talked to close friends about it, telling them I might in fact be bisexual. But that still didn't fit with how I felt about others. I still found myself attracted to both men and women, and had romantic feelings for both. This isn't to say I've never experienced sexual attraction, because I have. For men, mostly, but also for women. I just never have had the urge to act on those feelings. Sex means nothing to me, personally, and I've never entertained the idea or even the thought of myself having sex with anyone.
So I struggled more. I have romantic feelings for people with no desire at all to have sex. It isn't that I struggled with a label, but more that I wanted to know if there was, in fact, an in between. And there is, it does exist. Through all this struggling I looked back on all the years I've been attracted to people. I realized that it wasn't that I didn't want to be with someone, I just didn't want to be with them sexually. Somehow society taught me that I wasn't worth someone's love or attention unless sex was on the table as well. This is what I thought of my own self-worth: that nobody wanted me unless it was about sex. And then, I got depressed. Telling myself that no one would ever want me because I didn't care about sex. That I would rather just be with someone, love someone, and have them love me back. I resigned myself to being a spinster, which, when I actually looked up the proper definition, isn't me at all.
Then I started reading up on the in between, found friends who identified as asexual, learning more and more about it because I didn't honestly know much, so again, I asked myself, "Am I asexual?" I've had sexual attraction and feelings for people, I just don't feel or want to act on them. No, I don't think I'm asexual, but is there still an in between? So I read up on demisexuality, where a person does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong, emotional connection. Close enough but it still did not connect with me. The struggle is still there, but I found myself getting closer and closer to the in between.
And then the lightbulb popped on: gray-A. A person who identifies in the gray area between asexuality and sexuality. I told myself, yes, I am capable of experiencing sexual attraction, but not with everyone, and it doesn't always need to be a strong, emotional connection. And then I read about different romantic orientations, because society seems to only view feelings as sexual, not romantic. How can someone possibly be attracted to anyone romantically and not want to have sex with them? Well that's me: I'm biromantic. I'm romantically attracted to both genders.
Gray-A biromantic.
I cried. I'm 31 years old. It took nearly ten years, and I struggled with an identity that existed but I didn't know it did. It feels like I found that missing piece of myself that I thought would never be found. I don't need to have sex to have self-worth or for someone to want me, to love me. I masturbate regularly. I'm capable of finding pleasure. I can watch porn, write porn, and talk about porn 24/7, but do I need to have sex to feel like I'm a normal human being? No, I don't. Sex isn't just penetrative. Sex has different layers and means something different to everyone.
I'm normal, and I'm gray-A biromantic.
It started when I got accepted to college. It started when I began roleplaying again and met/chatted with this girl who, now that I think about it, I honestly fell in love with. It wasn't anything sexual, it was just honest, romantic feelings for her. I'm still close to her to this very day, and we still talk often, and honestly? I love her. I fell in love with her outright, and I've very vaguely dropped hints, and I think she may have realized. It was at this point in my life where I said to myself, "Am I bisexual?" But then again, bisexual implies romantic or sexual behavior/attraction. That implies that I had sexual feelings for her or for any other girl (or guy), but I haven't, not explicitly. Not anything I would physically want to act on. It was just simple, romantic feelings; deeply so. For years I struggled with this. I even talked to close friends about it, telling them I might in fact be bisexual. But that still didn't fit with how I felt about others. I still found myself attracted to both men and women, and had romantic feelings for both. This isn't to say I've never experienced sexual attraction, because I have. For men, mostly, but also for women. I just never have had the urge to act on those feelings. Sex means nothing to me, personally, and I've never entertained the idea or even the thought of myself having sex with anyone.
So I struggled more. I have romantic feelings for people with no desire at all to have sex. It isn't that I struggled with a label, but more that I wanted to know if there was, in fact, an in between. And there is, it does exist. Through all this struggling I looked back on all the years I've been attracted to people. I realized that it wasn't that I didn't want to be with someone, I just didn't want to be with them sexually. Somehow society taught me that I wasn't worth someone's love or attention unless sex was on the table as well. This is what I thought of my own self-worth: that nobody wanted me unless it was about sex. And then, I got depressed. Telling myself that no one would ever want me because I didn't care about sex. That I would rather just be with someone, love someone, and have them love me back. I resigned myself to being a spinster, which, when I actually looked up the proper definition, isn't me at all.
Then I started reading up on the in between, found friends who identified as asexual, learning more and more about it because I didn't honestly know much, so again, I asked myself, "Am I asexual?" I've had sexual attraction and feelings for people, I just don't feel or want to act on them. No, I don't think I'm asexual, but is there still an in between? So I read up on demisexuality, where a person does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong, emotional connection. Close enough but it still did not connect with me. The struggle is still there, but I found myself getting closer and closer to the in between.
And then the lightbulb popped on: gray-A. A person who identifies in the gray area between asexuality and sexuality. I told myself, yes, I am capable of experiencing sexual attraction, but not with everyone, and it doesn't always need to be a strong, emotional connection. And then I read about different romantic orientations, because society seems to only view feelings as sexual, not romantic. How can someone possibly be attracted to anyone romantically and not want to have sex with them? Well that's me: I'm biromantic. I'm romantically attracted to both genders.
Gray-A biromantic.
I cried. I'm 31 years old. It took nearly ten years, and I struggled with an identity that existed but I didn't know it did. It feels like I found that missing piece of myself that I thought would never be found. I don't need to have sex to have self-worth or for someone to want me, to love me. I masturbate regularly. I'm capable of finding pleasure. I can watch porn, write porn, and talk about porn 24/7, but do I need to have sex to feel like I'm a normal human being? No, I don't. Sex isn't just penetrative. Sex has different layers and means something different to everyone.
I'm normal, and I'm gray-A biromantic.
